


Your Bed

by evenlowerlow



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: College AU, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sex Mentions, Song fic, Unrequited Crush, Zack has to deal with Rian's shit, all time low doesn't exist, it's a little bit of an ouchie, nothing graphic though, poor rian man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24104080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenlowerlow/pseuds/evenlowerlow
Summary: It would’ve been their three year anniversary, Rian and Alex. But they hadn’t talked in about six months. Not since Alex broke up with him. Distance and whatnot.Nothing personal.Rian scrolled through the hundreds of photos he couldn’t bring himself to delete. He couldn’t throw away two and a half years as easily as Alex could.
Relationships: Rian Dawson/Alex Gaskarth
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Your Bed

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of the b-sides of Future Hearts being released, I wrote this! I have loved this song to death and immediately knew I wanted to write something, so I banged this bad boy out between the hours of 12:30 and 3:30am the other night. Disclaimer for brief sex mentions. (Obviously, a song about hooking up with your ex calls for a little action. But I don't do smut, so the most y'all get are words like _sweaty_ and _moaned_.) I hope you enjoy!

Zack walked into their dorm, dripping with sweat and panting.

“Good work out?” Rian asked, not tearing his eyes away from his phone.

“Could say that,” he panted out. “How you holding up?”

Looking at his roommate, Rian gave a tightlipped smile. “Peachy.”

Sighing, Zack grabbed a towel and some boxers and walked into their ensuite. When he heard the shower turn on, Rian rolled over in his bed. 

It would’ve been their three year anniversary today. Not Rian and Zack, but Rian and Alex. But they hadn’t talked in about six months. Not since Alex broke up with him. Distance and whatnot. _Nothing personal._ Rian scrolled through the hundreds of photos he couldn’t bring himself to delete. He couldn’t throw away two and a half years as easily as Alex could.

He didn’t know anything about Alex’s whereabouts or, actually, anything about his life now. Zack did, but he refused to tell Rian, for obvious reasons. Rian both hated and loved him for it. 

They had three more days before Thanksgiving break and Rian was dreading it because that meant for the first time since going away to college, he’d be within a ten mile radius of his ex-boyfriend again. And he just couldn’t deal with that. 

Steam filled the room as Zack opened the bathroom door. Rian stayed facing the wall until he heard Zack clear his throat telling him he was fully clothed. Or at least as fully clothed as Zack got when he hung around their room.

Rolling back over, Rian saw his best friend already looking at him. “Where is he?”

“What?”

He gave him a look. “Where is he? What college did he decide on?”

Zack frowned at him. “Ri, come on.”

He sat up in his bed and knit his brows together. “No, Zack. I’m done. I can’t stand not knowing anymore. I’m not asking for anything else. I just want to know where he decided on.”

He could tell Zack was thinking, trying to decide if it was worth the trouble of potentially upsetting Rian and risking a very quiet car ride home. “He didn’t go far,” was all he said.

Laying back down in his bed, Rian let out a breath. Towson then. It was the only college that Alex had been looking at near their hometown, so that must’ve been it. Which meant一

“He’s going to school with Jack?”

He heard the bed across from him groan as Zack shifted uncomfortably. “They’re roommates.”

“What?” Rian yelled, bolting up again. “And he didn’t fucking tell me? _You_ didn’t fucking tell me?”

Wincing, Zack frowned. “He asked us not to tell you.” After a minute of tense silence Rian stood. “Where are you going?”

Ignoring him, Rian grabbed his wallet and keys, slamming the door behind him. He heard Zack mutter a quick fuck before stomping down the hall. 

Fucking lying bastard. Towson was only fifty minutes from the University of Maryland. The way Alex was talking about it, Rian was convinced that he was going to Chicago like he’d been dreaming of.

-

“I just don’t want us to try and make it work and drag it out and end up worse than if we just end it now.”

Rian stared at him, his face blank. “We still have a month until graduation,” he said quietly.

Alex looked at him sympathetically. “Ri,” he said, grabbing his hand softly. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be, sweetheart.”

Biting his lip hard, Rian nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry, Rian. I really am.”

He couldn’t tell him it was alright. Because it didn’t feel alright. He actually felt really fucking shitty about the whole thing. Instead, Rian just averted his eyes and nodded, hoping Alex would have a change of heart before it was too late.

But he didn’t.

-

And he hadn’t really been himself since. Not at prom. Not at graduation. Certainly not at college. 

He’d taken up drinking for the first two months. Jack eventually pulled the plug on him, refusing to bring him his usual. When he finally gained some semblance of normalcy, Jack stopped coming over all together. Of course, Rian knew why, but it still stung a bit to see him drive by his house with Alex laughing along in the passenger's seat.

Zack spent most of the summer picking up the pieces. He was a good friend to both parties, splitting his time evenly between the two.

“Y’know,” Rian said as they laid in their bunk later that night, properly speaking to his roommate for the first time since he’d stormed out on him. “It sucks that I lost Jack in the divorce, but at least I got to keep you,” he joked emptily.

“You didn’t lose Jack,” Zack scoffed. “Jack just sucks. He doesn’t know how to balance things. Once he thought you were fixed, he moved on to help Alex.”

Sighing, Rian turned his head to face Zack in the dark. “Fixed?”

He could practically hear the eye roll as he laughed. “You know what I meant. Once you were able to keep yourself together a little bit better.”

Rian hummed before listening as Zacks breathing evened out. Keeping himself together.

Hardly.

-

Slamming the trunk, Rian walked to sit in the driver's seat of his car. Zack turned up the heat, shivering beside him. “Winter sucks.”

“It’s technically still fall,” Rian murmured, backing out of his parking spot.

Flipping him off, Zack rotated the radio stations until he found something he liked. “What’s your family doing for Thanksgiving?”

He shrugged. “Same ol’, I guess. I wasn’t exactly briefed on the weekend festivities,” he joked. “What about you guys?”

“I think we’re spending it with my grandparents.”

Rian nodded, eyes on the road. As they got closer to home, he would eye every car that looked similar to Alex’s. He was so scared of what he would say if he did run into Alex. How much had he changed? Did he still have the same stupid hair that Rian loved so much? God, he hoped not. It would make his life a hell of a lot easier.

“See you Sunday?”

“See you Sunday,” he agreed, popping the trunk for Zack to get his bags. After one final wave, he drove away, his chest aching as he drove past Alex and Jack's neighborhood. 

He parked outside of his house, sighing out with relief. He grabbed his bag and walked into his eerily quiet house. “Home,” he shouted. When he got no response, he walked to the kitchen, seeing a note stuck to the fridge.

_Grabbing some last minute groceries for this weekend. Be home soon, mom xo_

He was partially grateful. It would give him some time to decompress before having to face his parents and his brother wasn’t coming home until Thursday morning. He tossed his bag down on the ground next to the couch in his basement and fell back onto the couch with a dramatic sigh. He closed his eyes right as the front door opened. “Rian?” His mom called out. Exhaling through his nose, he pushed himself off the couch and up the stairs.

So much for decompressing.

-

“Oh, crap!” His mom muttered Thursday afternoon.

Chase let out a sarcastic gasp. “Mother! Language!”

His stepdad gave him a playful slap upside the head. “What’s wrong, Kathi?”

“I totally forgot the heavy cream,” she lamented, crossing her arms over her chest. “Chase, would you一?”

“But, mom,” he whined. Rian just rolled his eyes, half watching the Macy’s day parade on the TV in front of him. “I just got home! Rian’s been here since Tuesday.”

Suddenly on the defense, Rian snapped his head to face his brother. “Shut up, Chase!”

“Ri,” his mom said softly. “Would you please do me a favor and run to the store?”

After punching his brother hard in the arm, he reluctantly rose to his feet. “Fine. But only because it’s Thanksgiving.”

-

Fifteen minutes later, he was standing in the dairy section of Walmart, looking for the very specific brand of heavy cream that his mother had requested. “I’ve never even fucking heard of Hood,” he muttered bitterly to himself.

“It’s just down the aisle,” a familiar voice rang out from behind him. 

Heavy cream suddenly forgotten, Rian spun around to face the voice. He was taken aback at the sight before him. The clothes were a little nicer and the hair was a bit shorter, but it was still his Alex. 

Before he could stop himself, Rian blurted, “so this is you now?”

Alex looked just as surprised as he did. “I could say the same about you,” he said. 

It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on. “Same hair,” Rian tsked.

His chest hurt as he heard him laugh. “Thanks.” It was quiet for a moment, Rian not knowing what to say and Alex looking calm and collected as ever. “You’re looking good,” Alex said sincerely.

And, in Alex’s defense, he did. He’d lost some of his baby chub since going to college. That and he was dressed up for the holiday as per family tradition. Of course, that didn’t stop Rian from scoffing. “Thanks.”

Faltering a bit, Alex sighed. “Okay, look. I know I really hurt you, let you down, all of that. I get it. And I’m sorry.” When Rian said nothing, he continued. “You have the right to be mad and I deserve it, but-.”

“But what?”

“I don’t know,” Alex said honestly. “But it’s the holidays? And you should have a good day with your family. And I’m sorry if I ruined it.”

Rian gave a sarcastic laugh. “Big ego much?”

Alex trailed him down the aisle. “Would I be myself if it wasn’t?”

Grabbing the cream, Rian smiled genuinely at that. He turned back to face him with a small smile. “Point taken. Well, it was… cool to see you,” he said slowly. “But I should get home.”

“Yeah, of course. Cool to see you too,” Alex half teased. 

“Tell your mom I say hey.”

Alex smiled. “I will. I bet it’ll make her day.”

Rian hummed. “I was always her favorite son.”

Laughing, Alex muttered out something that sounded like agreement. “I’ll see you around, Dawson.”

“Sure you will,” Rian said emptily, heading to the registers.

After paying for the carton, he walked out to his car, his hands shaking. Holy fuck. As he unlocked the car, he heard footsteps behind him. “Hey.”

He looked up to see Alex standing a few feet from his car at the cart return. “Hey?”

He thrust a piece of paper into his hands. “Take this. In case you get lonely over the weekend.” Before Rian could read the paper, Alex was walking towards his own car. 

Sitting in his car in front of his house, Rian unfolded the paper to see a phone number hastily scribbled onto the back of a receipt for pie crust and condensed milk. He couldn’t believe it. Fucking Alex Gaskarth, man.

-

Later that night when his parents were asleep and he could hear his brother playing something on the Xbox in the basement, he pulled the receipt from his pocket and pulled out his cellphone. He stared at it for a minute before punching in the number and listening to the ringing of the phone. Just as he was about to hang up, sure Alex had given him some fake number because he was an asshole, he heard muffled shuffling.

“Rian Dawson?”

“Alex Gaskarth.”

He heard him laugh on the other end of the line. “I thought you’d thrown my number away for sure.”

Embarrassed, Rian asked, “did you want me to?”

“Not necessarily,” was Alex’s reply. “Just surprised.”

It was quiet for a moment as Rian thought of what the hell he could say in response to that. “Why’d you give me your number in the first place?” He settled on.

“I already told you,” Alex said. “In case you got lonely.”

And that’s how Rian found himself in Alex’s bedroom, staring at the familiar posters on the wall, duly noting the new Blink-182 poster above his bed. “So, uh, how’ve you been?” He asked dumbly.

Alex just shrugged and passed Rian the bottle of chardonnay that he’d smuggled out of his parents wine closet. Luckily, Rian had accounted for any bullshit Alex had planned to pull, such as drinking, and sent a text telling his parents he was spending the night at Jack’s.

He took a sip as Alex spoke. “Lonely. Jack’s cool and all, but everyone else left. It’s been quiet around here. How ‘bout you?”

“Same. But different reasons. College is scary when you only know one person.”

Humming, Alex nodded. “That’s why I stuck around.”

Rian raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I heard. What happened to Chicago?”

“Good question,” Alex shot back. “I guess I did some thinking and decided I needed to stay here.”

“Gross,” Rian joked, making Alex laugh. After a few more passes of the bottle, he felt a bit bolder. “Fifty minutes isn’t _really_ long distance, by the way,” he pointed out to him.

Sighing, Alex nodded. “Yeah. Like I said,” he muttered, “I’m sorry.” Shrugging, Rian took the last sip of their stolen treasure. “Is there anything I can do to, like, make it up to you?”

And _that’s_ how Rian ended up in Alex’s bed, wide awake and sweaty as Alex slept soundly next to him. 

He was so fucking stupid.

-

_“You what?”_ Zack screamed at him over the phone as he drove home the next morning.

“I’m not repeating myself,” Rian said, eyes fixed on the road ahead of him.

He heard Zack laugh humorlessly on the other end of the phone. “I cannot believe you fucking messed around with your exboyfriend. And on Thanksgiving!”

Rian didn’t say anything for a while. He knew Zack was waiting for an answer, so he gave him the one he knew he wanted to hear. “It was a mistake. It’s not going to happen again.”

“Sure.”

“I mean it,” he said, gripping the steering wheel so that his knuckles were white. “It’s not like it meant anything. We were bored and now it’s done.”

Sighing, Zack finally relented. “Listen, Ri,” he said gently. “I just worry about you. I don’t want him to fuck you up again.”

“He’s won’t,” Rian assured him. “Now he’s out of my system, I swear.”

“I sure fucking hope so.”

Yeah. Rian too.

-

“Overnight bag?” Zack asked him two weeks later. 

Rian froze. He didn’t expect Zack back for another hour. “No psych?”

“Cancelled,” he said cautiously, giving Rian a confused look. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Home,” he confirmed. “Seeing my mom this weekend made me realize how much I missed being home.”

Zack didn’t look convinced. “So you’re just gonna drive home?”

He shrugged. “It’s only, like, an hour.”

“I mean, I guess.” He watched as Rian slung his bag over his shoulder. “Well, drive safe. And tell your mom I say hi,” he said, still sounding unsure.

Rian rolled his eyes. “I’m not going home for Alex.”

“I never said you were.”

“Yeah, but you’re fucking imply it.”

Sighing, Zack looked away guiltily. “You’re right. I’m sorry, dude. Shoot me a text when you get there.”

He sent Zack his text, only feeling a little bad as he sat outside of Alex’s dorm.

-

“God, Ri,” Alex moaned later that night. 

Rian tried to take himself out of it. He knew it was purely business at this point. Friends with benefits who also used to regularly say I love you. Just a casual fuck with the guy who he’d planned a future with. Sex with a stranger that also happened to know his deepest fears and greatest hopes.

But none of that mattered now. So his hips moved mechanically until they were both spent. His arms circled around him because that’s what he had to do. _Not_ because he wanted to. He had to bite his tongue as he laid there, tangled in Alex’s sheets, wanting to say a lot more than he was allowed.

-

“You look happier,” Zack commented as Rian greeted him. 

Rian just shrugged with a smile. “I guess I needed that weekend home more than I realized. Mom says hi, by the way.” In all honesty, Rian never even stopped in at his own house. Why would he when Alex’s roommate was away for the weekend to work at his out of state internship?

They spent the weekend playing video games, eating take out, and doing other things that he didn’t really want to think about right now. He was hesitant to admit that it felt like old times. But without the feelings. At least that’s what he told himself. 

And it worked. More or less. Every few weeks he’d go home for a weekend visit. Christmas was easy, obviously. Telling his family he was at Jacks. Telling Zack he was having a family night and that’s why he wasn’t answering his texts. Telling Alex that he was glad they were back on speaking terms. 

At least one was true.

And that went on for months. Casually climbing into Alex’s bed every few weeks. It was quickly becoming Rian’s favorite guilty pleasure. Seeing him squirm under his hands. Like old times. Without the feelings. It was at least something. And that’s what Rian held onto. What he repeated to himself over and over like a mantra. 

At least it was something.

-

“Thanks for driving up,” Alex muttered into his neck as they laid blissed out in his bed.

“Yeah, anything for you,” Rian said, placing a platonic kiss to Alex’s temple.

Sighing, Alex smiled. After a few moments, he cleared his throat. “I have some good news.”

Rian turned to face him. “Lay it on me.”

“I got accepted to Columbia.”

Suddenly, Rian wished he was back in his dorm room, watching shitty TV with Zack. “Columbia Chicago?”

Alex nodded excitedly. “I applied to their music program a few months ago. I thought I mentioned it.”

“I don’t think so,” Rian swallowed hard, trying to maintain an air of careful indifference. “That’s great fucking news though. I’m really proud of you, Al.”

“Thanks, Ri.” He yawned, cuddling deeper into Rian’s side. “I’m gonna miss this though. And Jack. God, I haven’t even told Jack yet.”

Humming, he tried to keep his voice light. God he was trying. “I’m sure he’ll be psyched for you. Did you tell Zack yet?”

Alex made a humming noise to confirm. “Called him Thursday, I think. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”

His blood ran cold. Motherfucker. “Zack refuses to talk about you with me.”

“Rude,” he joked. “Okay, I really can’t keep my eyes open. I’ve gotta call it a night.”

Rian nodded, running his hand up and down Alex’s spine, blinking back tears. “Night, Al.”

“G’night, Ri.”

He left a day early. He told Alex some bullshit about having a test Monday morning and left Saturday afternoon. 

“Can you come up first weekend in March?”

“I’ll try,” Rian promised him, knowing damn well that he would.

Alex gave him a small smile and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. “Drive safe. Text me when you get there.” 

“I will.”

And he did. He texted him as soon as he got to his dorm. He hit send and ran up to his floor, throwing open the door to his dorm.

Zack looked up, fear plastered on his face. “What are you doing back so early?"

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me Alex was going to Chicago?”

Confusion passed over his features before the realization did. “Rian, what the fuck?”

_“Why didn’t you tell me?”_

“I didn’t think it was important because I didn’t think you were-.” He stopped himself when the first tear fell. “Ri-.”

Rian dropped his bag to the floor unceremoniously before falling into the seat next to his desk. “I’m such a fucking idiot, Zack,” he sobbed into his hands. When he felt Zack wrap his arms around his shoulders, he began to cry harder. “What- what am I going to do?”

Zack just held him until the tears subsided. Rian felt like pure shit. A sleepless night paired with an hour long drive and now crying for God knows how long all built up to right now: simultaneously feeling absolutely nothing yet somehow everything. He pushed Zack to the side and rushed to the bathroom, dropping to his knees and emptying his already void stomach. Once again, he felt Zack’s hand on his shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into his skin.

“You’re okay, Rian. Take a breath. Good boy,” he encouraged. “Do you wanna tell me why you’ve been going home so often now?”

“No.”

Zack gave a curt laugh before helping him stand up. “Lie down okay, Ri?”

Rian had no energy left to fight him, even though he really wanted to. He could feel Zack’s eyes on him even with his own closed. He tried to block it out, though, and instead focused on how he even fucking let this happen in the first place. 

He was an idiot. Probably one of the stupidest people in the world if he had to take a guess. But he didn’t let that stop him from driving down to Towson a few weeks later.

Zack sent him off with a wary goodbye, knowing that there was nothing he could say to stop him. Knowing that Rian was going to make the most of his last few months of Alex. 

He probably drove up to see him another five times before the end of their freshman year, watching the worry in Zack’s face grow more intense every time. They never spoke about it again, mainly because of Rian refusing to answer any of many Zack’s questions. When the two finally packed up their dorm and headed home together, Rian relented.

“I missed him, Zack. Hell, I still do,” he burst out, catching him off guard after months of not so subtle subject changes anytime his name came up. “And it’s like, if I’m not with him I don’t feel anything. It’s like- almost like I need him.”

Silence settled over the two. When Zack finally spoke up, he sounded sad. “I mean, I can’t say I don’t get it. It just sucks.”

Rian nodded, his throat tight. “Yeah. It does.” 

-

When August finally rolled around, Rian thought he might die. He laid with Alex in his arms for the last time. “So this is it?”

“Huh?”

“This is the last time in your bed,” Rian elaborated. “This sucks.”

Alex propped himself up on his elbow. “Columbia is only ten hours away.”

Laughing empty, Rian swatted at his chest. “I’m gonna miss you, Al.” Alex gave him a concerned look. “Not like that,” he lied. “As a friend.” That was partially true.

“I’m gonna miss you too.”

Rian sighed. “Last time,” he said again.

Alex just shrugged and settled back into Rian’s arms. “Just until Thanksgiving,” he said casually.

Feeling his heart break, Rian nodded. “Just until Thanksgiving.”

“It’s gonna be alright,” Alex said, already drifting off.

He didn’t have the nerve to say it back. Instead, Rian just nodded because how could he tell Alex that even with as much skin as they could physically press together, Rian felt like he was alone. How could he tell him he missed him already? That even when he had him wrapped in his arms under Alex’s thick comforter in the already thick summer heat, he missed him. _He fucking missed him._

More than anybody should.


End file.
